So, the first thing I remember about myself, was being a generally quiet baby, with a huge temperament hidden inside. The most trivial and ridiculous things would set me off. I recall an event that we actually have on recorded on VHS: I was at my cousin's house, with a ride-in pedal car. I'd pushed it around the corner of the house away from my mother, cousin and auntie. However whoever was filming (most likely my uncle), followed me around. What the film shows thereafter, is me trying to push the car THROUGH the brick wall of the house. After three or four failed attempts at this, I let out a cry and wail off into the distance, arms flailing.
Anyway, sometimes I do get this level of frustration. Whether it be what people say to me, particular things I just don't want to do/hear/see, or whatever, I like to find a way to stop myself from reacting in such violent ways. As I grew up a common way to do this was to attack my pillow. Oh it was brutal. Even to this day I sometimes resort to pillow assault, when extreme cases of frustration are present. However by the time I hit my teen years, this dissipated rather heavily, and began to be replaced with music. One song in particular reminds me of this, because it was all about anger getting the better of someone. This song was...
Alright so maybe that was not a particularly serious example of life reflection through music, but it's still an awesome deathburger of a song. Even so the concept of having a "powerhouse of energy" and being unable to "kill the family battery has has found in me", its a reflection of how frustration can turn nasty if not handled correctly, which is something I do much better now. This was also my introduction to what I now consider to be "true metal" - I'm VERY picky. Angry music helps considerably, picking apart flaws in society (BUT ONLY IF IT'S WELL COMPOSED! ALL HAIL SATAN AND METAL!)... *cough* ... Anyway, invisible walls are also nice to punch.
The next prominent thing I remember, was the passing of my Opa. For those of you unaware of the origin and meaning of that word, it is the German (also Dutch, and possibly other languages, although this knowledge alludes me) word for grandfather. At the time I was seven years of age and I used my childhood emotional response to tragedy, which was to largely ignore it. I did cry when I saw his body prior to the funeral (which I did not attend), however being only seven, my emotional connection to him had not developed to the extent I would have liked it to. That's what pains me the most of his passing, I barely knew him! He survived some horrible things in Germany during WWII, and was a pilot amongst other things. There are many questions I would love to ask him, but alas I can't. So basically, I came to deal with this the way any child does when they loose a love one, in fact the way many people deal with deaths of people in close proximity to their heart. The watchful guardian concept. This idea, that despite being dead and no longer a direct influence on my life, my Opa is still "watching over me". When I first subscribed to this theory, I believed it quite literally. This was natural due to my age, but as I've matured my understanding of it has changed. Que our next song...
Watching Over Me - Iced Earth (Something Wicked this Way Comes, 1998)
Alright, so this song MIGHT be focused more on a friend, but it still touches on the way I see some things, in regard to shuffling off the mortal coil of life, and therefore how I consolidate the death of loved ones. Take the line "I've felt his spirit through the years", it may sound a little corny, but people do resonate in your life after their passing. I see bits of Opa reflected in the family around me, even though I don't know them too well. When I learn about him, I feel like I become closer to him, even in death. The point is he's still present in someway through his relevancy to me. If I really wanted to, I could just ignore that he ever existed and go about my life, but I feel that would be a waste. It's much more rewarding trying to learn to love someone in death. Perhaps I can do that? If someone I loved died I'd still love them, so nothing is stopping me from learning enough to love Opa. I already appreciate him so much, hearing some of the stories of his and Oma's immigration to Australia. He was a loving, family man. Which is everything I hope to be. Another line like, "he lived reckless, he paid the price", reminds me of the fact that Opa was a heavy smoker. I remember, even at that young age, I was telling him to stop because it was bad for him. Point being, this song is an interesting take on death, I'd think that if a very close friend of mine died, this song would be on high rotation.
I've never really associated a song with my parents divorce. Probably because it was one of the biggest things, and most life altering of such things to happen to me. Period. I very much used my emotionless childhood reaction that I'd used for Opa to begin with. There were times when I met tears though. I don't think it's an emotion or experience that can ever be defined by a single song, because it's complexity and scope of effect on my life is so diverse it would be impossible for anyone to capture it song. For this reason, I'm leaving this one alone.
When I was an adolescent growing up, largely due to a mild hatred towards the world caused by my parents divorce, and subsequent reclusive nature, I decided I wasn't going to be a kid hanging around with the masses, going with the flow, and conforming just to fit in. At the the time this had both a positive and negative affect on me. I developed being a very caring and trustworthy person towards those around me, but I only had a tight knit of close friends. Everyone else was like water passing me by. In high school of was incredibly sick of Bogan behaviour. It honestly made me angry. These people weren't intelligent, and they were mean and insensitive. It amazed me why they had, not to mention deserved so many friends. This song by Edguy gets the gist of what I've just touched on.
Alright, so this song MIGHT be focused more on a friend, but it still touches on the way I see some things, in regard to shuffling off the mortal coil of life, and therefore how I consolidate the death of loved ones. Take the line "I've felt his spirit through the years", it may sound a little corny, but people do resonate in your life after their passing. I see bits of Opa reflected in the family around me, even though I don't know them too well. When I learn about him, I feel like I become closer to him, even in death. The point is he's still present in someway through his relevancy to me. If I really wanted to, I could just ignore that he ever existed and go about my life, but I feel that would be a waste. It's much more rewarding trying to learn to love someone in death. Perhaps I can do that? If someone I loved died I'd still love them, so nothing is stopping me from learning enough to love Opa. I already appreciate him so much, hearing some of the stories of his and Oma's immigration to Australia. He was a loving, family man. Which is everything I hope to be. Another line like, "he lived reckless, he paid the price", reminds me of the fact that Opa was a heavy smoker. I remember, even at that young age, I was telling him to stop because it was bad for him. Point being, this song is an interesting take on death, I'd think that if a very close friend of mine died, this song would be on high rotation.
I've never really associated a song with my parents divorce. Probably because it was one of the biggest things, and most life altering of such things to happen to me. Period. I very much used my emotionless childhood reaction that I'd used for Opa to begin with. There were times when I met tears though. I don't think it's an emotion or experience that can ever be defined by a single song, because it's complexity and scope of effect on my life is so diverse it would be impossible for anyone to capture it song. For this reason, I'm leaving this one alone.
When I was an adolescent growing up, largely due to a mild hatred towards the world caused by my parents divorce, and subsequent reclusive nature, I decided I wasn't going to be a kid hanging around with the masses, going with the flow, and conforming just to fit in. At the the time this had both a positive and negative affect on me. I developed being a very caring and trustworthy person towards those around me, but I only had a tight knit of close friends. Everyone else was like water passing me by. In high school of was incredibly sick of Bogan behaviour. It honestly made me angry. These people weren't intelligent, and they were mean and insensitive. It amazed me why they had, not to mention deserved so many friends. This song by Edguy gets the gist of what I've just touched on.
Edguy - King of Fools (Hellfire Club, 2004)
Yes, yes, this song is a little silly. However it really does reflect how I felt at the time. I was cynical towards nearly everyone I met. This didn't change until I was about fifteen. I met a few people who really changed my perspective on the issue. Thanks to them I can tell who "flocks with the masses" and I feel much more at home walking "the wicked way" with those that share it with me. Nowadays I'm a lot more open to people. However once I know we won't be friends, I know.
So having opened up more to the people around me, my next desire was to find someone to love. This is rather natural I'd say. Eventually I found what I believed to be just that, but then as soon as I thought I had found it, at a point when my vulnerability was at such a high, it was torn away from me. This caused a large bout of depression which lasted about 6 months. Whilst I listened to many songs to keep me going over this period, one in particular, and line from it, rings very true about the whole experience...
So having opened up more to the people around me, my next desire was to find someone to love. This is rather natural I'd say. Eventually I found what I believed to be just that, but then as soon as I thought I had found it, at a point when my vulnerability was at such a high, it was torn away from me. This caused a large bout of depression which lasted about 6 months. Whilst I listened to many songs to keep me going over this period, one in particular, and line from it, rings very true about the whole experience...
Unfortunately, I was unable to find any correct lyrics to this song. Which angered me greatly. This song is actually about a father reflecting on the birth of his newborn who has down syndrome. I didn't know that at the time, and I still interpret it my own personal way. The line, "A tear of joy turned into grey", has always meant the most to me. As my love was rejected, I found all the happiness the love had brought me turned into something nasty, or as the song suggests, into "grey". An ugly, disgusting, painful thing, that should never have existed. It was as much my own lack of precaution to blame, that it was her actions, and I've learned heavily from the experience, and those same mistakes will not be taken again. In fact, the last year and a half after it happened has been the best time of my life thus far.
This brings me to how I'm feeling now. I'm more happier than I've ever been. I've met someone amazing, who I relate to so much. Some of my friends say I'm finally getting what I deserve, but I don't see it like that. I see it as a gift. My life is already so rich, and to be given her on top is just unbelievable. I feel like I can do anything now that I'm with her, and I feel like everything that's happened in the past can be put behind me. I don't even think words come close to it. I haven't thought about how a song reflects this, but I may have an idea. However for the time being I think I'll let it be. I want to see how deep this goes. I want it to be a part of me. I want to be able to look back and see this as a defining moment in my life, just like these past events I've described. Most important of all, I want to be able to look back on it with her by my side.
